There Is No Delete Button in Your Brain

Have you ever wanted to get rid of a thought? Forget something that happened? Erase a memory? Un-know something? 

I'm guessing you've been frustrated by the fact that you can't.

I'm also guessing, simply based on the fact that you're human, that you've forgotten something important at some point or feel like you've lost skills or knowledge that you once had. That's also frustrating, but in a completely different way.

The bad news - and the good news - is that there is no delete button in our brains. 

We can not selectively erase or remove unwanted content from our minds. Nor is anything in there ever really lost. 

The Alma Mater Possession

I loved the movie Beetlejuice as a kid. My favorite part was the scene in which Adam and Barbara, recently deceased ghosts, try to scare the new owners of their home into leaving by possessing them. The surprised owners and their dinner guests have their bodies overtaken as they involuntarily lip sync and dance to "Day-O."

I just had the real-life equivalent happen. 

Last week, I went to my nephew's graduation from the same high school I attended 25 years ago. I left my hometown in 1998 and rarely go back. I don't really keep in touch with anyone from my high school days and, honestly, I don't think about that phase of life very often. It's not like I block it out intentionally. It just seems like a lifetime ago.

While this proud aunt would've gone anywhere to watch R get his diploma, I was also really curious to see what it would feel like to be back in Texarkana. My last visit was more than a decade ago. Would it feel nostalgic? What memories would be unearthed? 

Turns out...not a lot. I didn't feel a sense of connection - it's hasn't been home in a long time - and I wasn't flooded with memories. Of course, the football stadium where the ceremony was held was familiar. I had spent a lot of time there as a teenager; football in the South is a real thing. But that was about it.

Until the announcer instructed everyone to stand for the singing of the alma mater.

"Did we even have an alma mater?" I wondered as I stood up. I recalled my class yell, and no one forgets how to call the Hogs (Woo, Pig Sooie!), but I was drawing a huge blank on an official school alma mater.

Even as the music began, I was pretty convinced we didn't have one.

Then the crowd started singing.

AND SO DID I.

The long-buried words tumbled out of my mouth.

I was surprised, to say the least.

My mouth continued to sing while my mind questioned, "What is happening? What's the next line? How do you even know these lyrics?"

Until the words came out, I didn't even know what they were going to be. 

It was kind of surreal.

And solidified that there is no delete button in our brains. 

Buried But Not Lost

Prior to that day, if you had told me I used to know my high school alma mater, I would've told you I had forgotten it. Same thing with most of calculus, French vocabulary, and other bits of knowledge and skills that I haven't accessed in years. 

But we don't really forget, do we? 

Psychological research has shown that even when we "forget" skills or knowledge, we relearn it much faster the second time around, demonstrating that it wasn't really ever completely gone. 

I think of it as being buried in our minds.

Our experiences, what we've learned consciously and subconsciously, what we've been through...it's all in there somewhere. That old programming really never goes away. New programming may get laid down on top of it, but the old stuff is still there. 

It's like covering up original hardwoods with linoleum and then carpet. You may just be aware of the carpet under your feet, but those other layers of flooring are there...and you can get to them if you dig.

This can be great news if you want to relearn things that seem lost. Know that it won't take as much time or effort to get it back, so jump right on in.

Understanding the levels of programming - layers of flooring - can be helpful, too, if you're ever found yourself stumped trying to figure out why you do the things you do or react in the ways you tend to. There's old learning deep inside there that's getting activated.

The bad news is that you can't delete the things you want to.

The Missing Delete Button Work Around 

As much as I wish we could control-alt-delete and reboot our brains...without certain thoughts, feelings, or memories, it just doesn't work that way. 

Once you've had a thought, you're more likely to have it again, especially if that thought gets a reaction from you.

Our minds are a lot like toddlers sometimes. What happens when you hear a little cutie unknowingly blurt out a cuss word? 

If you laugh, they put that word on repeat, right? 

And if you get mad and tell them to stop? 

Same thing.

Because toddlers love attention.

If a behavior gets any sort of reaction from the surrounding grown ups, the tiny terrorist toddler will persist.

And so do our minds.

If our minds throw a thought out at us and we react to it with, say, shock, horror, fear, or disgust. You guessed it. That thought is likely to keep popping up. 

When we get frustrated about having certain emotions - I shouldn't feel this way - we actually just pile more distress on top of it. 

Life would be easier if we could delete that inside ick that doesn't serve us, but we can't.

Instead, we have to essentially do the mental equivalent of time out. Simply ignore it until it fades.

And I don't mean ignore it in the way a lot of people put ignoring into practice, with huffs and puffs, scowls, and glares. 

That's actually all attention.

Truly ignoring is acting as though it's not even happening. Being completely unaffected by it.

When an unwanted thought shows up, simply acknowledge that as a thought - not a hateful, terrifying, disturbing or bad thought, just a thought. Then tune it out as you go on about your business. 

Same thing with memories or feelings. Acknowledge then ignore while you go on about your business. 

It's like saying "No, thank you" to the toddler, letting them tantrum it out on the floor, while you Go. On. About. Your. Business.

It's not a fast process, but it's the best we've got when it comes to covering that grimy linoleum with more pleasing tile.

"You think you want to know something, and then once you do, all you can think about is erasing it from your mind."

 - Sue Monk Kidd

Written by Dr. Ashley Smith

Peak Mind Co-founder