Dealing with Undeserved Guilt

I can not tell you how many people I encounter - in my psychology practice, through my work here at Peak Mind, and just in life in general - who are guilt-y.

I don't mean guilty of some crime or faux pas. Rather, guilt-y as in prone to experiencing excessive guilt.

This is you if:

• You frequently feel "bad," especially about something you did or didn't do.
• You apologize at the drop of a hat.
• You still feel "bad" even after you've apologized or made amends.
• You find yourself saying or thinking "I should've" or "I shouldn't have" with any regularity.
• You can't forgive yourself or let go of past transgressions, especially ones that are relatively minor.

The Purpose of Guilt

Guilt, as with all emotions, serves an evolutionary purpose. Emotions are a shortcut way for our brains to quickly convey a lot of information and guidance on how to proceed in a given situation.

The message of guilt is that I did something wrong, and the directive is to make amends of repair things. 

From an evolutionary perspective, guilt served the purpose of keeping us in line. Humans were designed as communal creatures. Cavemen and women couldn't survive on their own. Therefore, if they did something egregious to upset the herd and got kicked out, death was a likely outcome. 

Enter guilt, which helped us recognize when we misstepped so we could fix it, continue as part of the community, and, ultimately, stay alive. 

Guilt can be a powerful tool for learning and growth. Because it's a pretty unpleasant experience, it can be an effective teacher, guiding us to operate within our personal code of ethics and values and to interact with others effectively. 

Guilt can be very handy...and it can be a source of misery.

When Guilt Goes Wrong

I tend to hear primarily about two flavors of undeserved guilt. The first arises when people feel guilty for doing something that isn't actually wrong or bad. 

We should feel guilty when we do something wrong. What constitutes wrong, however, is up for debate. 

Let's agree that wrong means something that causes harm. Do you experience guilt in the absence of harm? And what actually qualifies as harm?  

Take, for example, saying "no" to someone. Is the act of saying no morally wrong? No. Does it cause damage or harm? No (in fact, I might argue that not saying no can actually cause damage or harm).

Do others like hearing "no"? Not necessarily, but their displeasure, disappointment, or frustration does not mean that you did anything wrong. Moreover, negative feelings are not harmful anyways, contrary to popular opinion. Others' emotional responses are either a reflection of natural human emotion and/or their responsibility to manage.  Keep in mind that disappointment is a natural feeling that arises when reality does not match our expectations. Someone being disappointed when you say no means that reality did not match their expectations. That. Is. It. You are not responsible for other people's expectations or emotions.

Let's extend this a bit, too. If YOU are experiencing emotions, even difficult or unwanted ones, are YOU doing something wrong? No, of course not. So why do we amplify our emotional distress by believing that we shouldn't be feeling that way, that there's something wrong with us for having that emotional experience? That's just piling on undeserved guilt. 

Does doing normal human things or meeting your own needs mean you did something wrong? Think about it. Do you feel guilty when you need to ask for help? When you engage in a little self-care? Lots of people do, unfortunately. Yet that does not mean that the guilt is deserved. Needing help and taking care of yourself are so utterly human and, arguably good things, not bad.

And what about making mistakes? Should we feel guilty when we make a mistake? Maybe, under certain circumstances, I suppose. But that's with the caveat that you're not approaching mistakes in a black-or-white, all-or--none kind of way. All mistakes are not created equal. Perhaps most mistakes are innocent, meaning that most people would make the same one either because of a learning curve or human error. Not all mistakes result in any sort of harm. So even if it was a careless, preventable mistake, it's not worth the guilt if there wasn't even a negative outcome (again, keeping in mind that someone being disappointed or angry doesn't count as a negative outcome. Now, if they are hurt by your actions, that warrants more exploration). 

The second flavor of undeserved guilt I see frequently is the guilt that stems from a sense of over-responsibility, which is when you take on too big a slice of the responsibility pie. If someone you care about is really struggling, you may feel "bad." That "bad" often gets categorized as guilt, but it's an error. Did you cause their suffering? Are you actually responsible for it? Is there even anything you can actually do to alleviate it for them? If the answers are no, then dig into the feeling a little more. You're defaulting to guilt when the actual emotion may be something like sympathy, compassion, or pity. 

Getting Past the Guilt

How can you release yourself from the shackles of unnecessary guilt? First and foremost, you must appropriately identify your emotions. This is the foundation of emotional intelligence and a critical component of psychological strength. In this case, that means doing 2 things.

1. Remember that "bad" is not a feeling. It's a judgment. If you find yourself feeling "bad," ask yourself what flavor. If the answer is guilt, then...
2. Check the facts. Did you actually do something wrong? Did that wrong thing result in harm to someone or something? 

If you're experiencing justifiable guilt, then make amends. Take steps to rectify the situation and to repair the relationship that was damaged.

If, however, what you are experiencing is excessive or undeserved guilt, then you've got some work to do.

Get a hold of your beliefs. It's not always as easy as just deciding to think something else, but it is absolutely possible to change unhelpful beliefs. Remind yourself (a million times a day or until it feels like truth) that:

• Doing something that upsets someone else does not mean that what you did was wrong.
• Taking care of yourself is not wrong or harmful.
• Saying no is not wrong.

Once you're at least starting to get on board with the idea that your guilt system may be a little sensitive or may tend to dump a disproportionate amount of guilt on you, then you can really start to break free from its binds.

Stop apologizing. If you've done something wrong, by all means, give a good, sincere apology (one that acknowledges what you did, takes responsibility, acknowledges the impact on the other person, and expresses sincere regret or remorse). Then stop. One heartfelt apology is probably enough. And don't even apologize once for normal human things like existing or taking up space.

Pro tip: If you really feel like you need to apologize and keeping your mouth shut is too hard, switch it to a thank you instead. "I'm sorry I'm a few minutes late" becomes "Thank you for your patience." 

Ban the word should from your vocabulary, internally and spoken out loud. Shoulds lead to guilt (or anger or anxiety), implying that you did something wrong when, in fact, you probably didn't. Just because it could be done differently does not mean that it was wrong. 

Pull out your mindfulness skills. If you find yourself still feeling guilty over things that happened eons ago or things that you have already repaired, then the work to be done is to stop the rumination and mental self-flagellation. Whether you realize it or not, rumination is a habit. It may seem to happen naturally or involuntarily, but it is something that you can exercise control over. 

Just like stopping nail biting, a pesky habit, you must recognize when you are doing it then decide to stop and engage in something else. When you notice your mind rehashing old territory for the umpteenth time, decide to stop and fully focus your attention on something else. 

If the guilt is actually another displaced emotion, see if you can get clearer on what you are actually feeling and why. Then navigate that emotion with psychological strength. What might that feeling be telling you? Is it a message that is worth listening to? Is there anything you need to or can do? Or, is is something you need to just sit with? How can you make space for that difficult emotion? How can you be kind to yourself in this hard moment? (Hint: Check out the free tools at the bottom of this message...)

Your Cheat Sheet

One of my favorite, fast techniques for reducing undeserved guilt (or coping with any hard experience, really) is called a Self-Compassion Break. Developed by Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychologist and leading voice in the area of self-compassion, this 5 minute exercise works wonders. You can download our version for free. Bonus, it comes with two additional guided exercises to help during times of overwhelm and worry.

GET FREE TOOLS

Stop letting your mind take you on undeserved guilt trips. There are so many other, more joyful places to go instead!

"Guilt is cancer. Guilt will confine you, torture you, destroy you as an artist. It's a black wall. It's a thief."

 - Dave Grohl

Written by Dr. Ashley Smith

Peak Mind Co-founder