Bridging the Divide through Courage, Curiosity, and Compassion

I am not known for my sense of fashion. I never have been, but it's admittedly gotten worse the past few years as I've worked from home and embraced comfort. Some friends tease me about my "party cardy" - I am definitely a fan of the cardigan - while my blunter friends are a little more direct: "Doc, try harder. You're not dead yet."

Sometimes tough love is needed.

In an effort to spruce up the wardrobe last summer, I begrudgingly bought a few crop tops. Can a 40-some odd year old woman get away with wearing a crop top? 

Apparently, the answer these days is yes.

But perhaps the question is should she? I couldn't help but think, is this a bit of a mid-life crisis moment, trying to cling to youth? Am I too old for this?

I'm Too Old for This

I generally despise the phrase, "I'm too old for/to..." because I don't agree with those limits. I intend to be mobile and active, playful and adventurous well into senior citizen-hood.  That said, I do hope to carry wisdom forward with youthful wonder and leave harmful, juvenile antics behind.

I wish America would do the same. 

On July 4, the United States will turn 247. Yet, she's been acting like an angsty, ungrateful teen lately. It's not a good look.

America's Mid-Life Crisis

My first job out of grad school was at Omaha Children's Hospital. I provided outpatient therapy for a ton of teenagers. They were dramatic and oh so entertaining. I got a kick out of watching how their developing minds worked. They'd get caught up in these big feelings - so angry - and would spout their justifications out. If I or their parents responded in a calm logical manner to whatever concern or complaint they voiced, did they accept that and move forward? 

Nope. Their minds would snake a different direction, finding a new argument to justify their feelings. It was like they just wanted to be mad.

Logic was lost on them.

I remember reading a book with a catchy title along the lines of Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy in which the author compared adolescents to brain-damaged individuals, given the rate at which their brains were developing and changing. He described them as moody and irrational. It was so insightful and so spot on.

And I think America is acting like a giant teenager when she's old enough to know better. 

It's one thing to wear a crop top and quite another to wild out in ways that do real damage.

We're a big country here in the U.S. with tons of people representing tons of lifestyles, belief systems, and viewpoints. It's a beautiful thing. 

At least it can be.

Except that we seem to be getting increasingly polarized, angry, and individualistic.

We have big feelings and we're not handling them well.

Land of the Free and Home of the Brave

There is perhaps no ideal more central to being American than freedom. We expect it. We demand it. And we fight for it.

But have you noticed that lately, we seem to be fighting against it? 

When I think about freedoms and America, there is this base assumption that as a capable adult, I should be able to make my own decisions to live my life in accordance with my values, as long as I pay my taxes and don't do anything to interfere with someone else living their life. 

You do you, as long as you doing you doesn't stop me from doing me.

Yet, somehow, here we are. People are clinging desperately to their particular brand of freedom and in doing so are imposing it on others, thus taking away theirs.

It's quite the conundrum. How did we get here? 

That's a complicated question with a complicated answer, I'm sure. 

What I'm also sure about is that we've gotten increasingly judgmental. We're quick to pass judgment that others are wrong, bad, shouldn't be that way. We've forgotten how to be tolerant, generous, and kind.

Stop Being So Judgmental

To really embrace freedom, I think we need to step outside of our judgments. 

And they are judgments. 

We may treat them as fact, committed to the notion that our perspective is the right one, mistaking it as fact when it is really belief.

Instead of being so righteous in our judgments, masquerading as facts, we need to embrace each other with curiosity.

Take a cue from Ted Lasso on this one: be curious, not judgmental.

Watch clip

Please note, I'm not taking political sides here. I'm calling everyone on all sides out and asking us all to do a little better, to remember the things we learned in kindergarten about getting along - share, take turns, don't call names, be kind.

To be curious, not judgmental.

And it takes courage to be curious. It takes courage to consider that our beliefs are cognitive constructs, things our minds created, rather than some objective, capital T Truth. It takes courage to be willing to consider that there may be other ways or other perspectives. It takes courage to set fear and the hate that often hides it aside, and it takes courage to connect with others, especially when they seem different.

Fortunately, America is the home of the brave...if only we can remember what it actually means to be brave.

In my psychology practice, I specialize in treating anxiety disorders, which more or less boils down to helping people learn how to feel afraid and still do what matters, how to keep fear from making their decisions, in essence, how to be brave. 

What would happen if we approached each other and each divisive issue from a perspective of curiosity and courage? 

Moreover, what would happen if we threw in a little compassion as well? 

The Antidote to Anger

Several years ago I visited Ireland. As their version of a TSA agent checked my bag at the airport, he was all smiles, eye contact, and conversation. It was a lovely small talk experience, one human being to another. 

Then, I landed at O'Hare in Chicago and was immediately struck by the anger. TSA agents were yelling at travelers. Travelers were yelling at each other. It was such a stark contrast, and it felt like a punch in the gut. Americans are angry.

In general.

This wasn't during a charged time in history. It was a couple years pre-COVID and everything else that's transpired since. Still, the hostility and animosity were rampant, and it made me sad for us. 

Anger has its place and purpose in our existence. It's better as the exception than the rule, though, if you are at all concerned with living a happy life. 

The more time we spend in an angry state, the poorer our psychological well-being. 

Increasingly, anger seems coupled with hate, and those two emotions are powerful...and destructive. 

Wise teachers like the Buddha, Thich Nhat Hanh, and the Dalai Lama, who can offer sage advice on how to reduce human suffering and find inner peace, regardless of your religious beliefs, all hold that compassion is the antidote to anger and hate.

Compassion is a skill, and one that we all need a crash course in. 

How much better would everything be if we could tap into compassion, along with that curiosity and courage? 

If we dig far enough below all of the identity politics and hot button topics, beneath the anger and the fear, we all want the same things. We want to be happy, healthy, safe, and secure. 

These are not zero sum games. There is plenty of happiness to go around. My health does not detract from yours, nor does my safety or security. 

It's time to stop fighting for the sake of fighting, to stop getting caught up in the unnecessary drama, and to stop blaming others. It's time to focus less on being right or winning, and it's time to focus on being good humans.

Happy birthday, America. It's time to grow up

"Fight for the things you care about, but do it in a way that will lead others to join you."

- Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Written by Dr. Ashley Smith

Peak Mind Co-founder